Apple's Life After Steve Jobs 405
animusCollards writes "Slate ponders a post-Steve Jobs Apple, including possible successors, and the future is... boring. '..it's certainly true that Jobs' style is central to the company's brand and the fierce connection it forges with its customers. His product announcements prompt hundreds of millions of dollars worth of free press coverage and whip up greater and more loyal fans, generating ever-greater interest in the company. ... At some point, all that will end. Jobs will eventually leave the company. There are no obvious plans for succession; in addition to Schiller, observers finger Tim Cook, Apple's COO, and Scott Forstall, who helped develop Mac OS X and the iPhone's software, as contenders for the job. But Tuesday's keynote illustrated how difficult it will be for any of those guys to replace Jobs.'"
Jobs leaving? (Score:5, Funny)
Re:Really? (Score:5, Funny)
How did Tuesdays Keynote illustrate 'how difficult it will be for any of those guys to replace Jobs.'? Just a bloggers opinion, nothing to see here, please move along
None of them look good in a black turtleneck. It's a little-known fact that Steve Jobs has not run Apple for some time now. Rather, the turtleneck is firmly in charge. If it can't find a suitable host when Jobs kicks the bucket, the company is doomed.
You know the economy is getting bad (Score:5, Funny)
I am the very model of a iPod fashion follower (Score:5, Funny)
I am the very model of an iPod fashion follower,
My waist is getting thinner but my head is getting hollower,
I know the name of every Mac, in Apple stores a wallower,
And at the MacWorld every year I tell Steve I'm a swallower.
(Yes at the MacWorld every year he tells Steve he's a swallower)
Apple is Safe. (Score:4, Funny)
Wait... Steve can die? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:I am the very model of a iPod fashion follower (Score:2, Funny)
I am the very model of a corporation CEO
My trousers pressed, my shirt is white, my laces tied up in a bow.
My armpits clammy and my cheeks are rosy as a sweet Bordeaux,
But if you cross my ample path a chair in your smug face I'll throw!
tgqwe
Re:Make a Steve Jobs simulator (Score:5, Funny)
Plus, it would create jobs!
Re:Apple will be ruined by capitalism (Score:3, Funny)
I, for one, welcome our new overlord egyptiankarim.
Steve Jobs has been dead since 1988 (Score:5, Funny)
Steve Jobs died in a car wreck in 1988. The current "Steve Jobs" is San Jose session musician, Roland Trisk. Trisk, who often doubled for Steve Jobs before his death in sales meetings and conferences, had plastic surgery in order closely resemble Jobs. There are hints everywhere-in the enclosure of the Mac LCII, the first NeXT CUBE, even Pixar's first full-length film, Toy Story. Wake up people! The truth is out there!
Re:Really? (Score:2, Funny)
Yes! The average consumer associates Apple with the Mac guy in the commercials. Maybe he should replace Jobs, at least as a figurehead. :-D
Missing Option (Score:3, Funny)
Cloning
(Maybe that's what Obama meant when he said he was going to create "millions of Jobs")
Re:Really? (Score:5, Funny)
You can not replace people who have a cult built around them. Someone different has to replace the cult.
Not entirely true.
Sure, I was upset when I had to remove my Tom Baker figure from my shrine and replace it with Peter Davidson. It was painful again when I took Peter down and put up Colin Baker. Recently I had to remove Christopher Eccleston and put up David Tennant, who'll I'll be removing soon again.
It hurts every time - Regeneration is a painful process. But I'm still a loyal cult member.
Pixar to the rescue (Score:5, Funny)
Why do you think Jobs bought Pixar? to make cartoons? No they are working to cross the uncanny divide where live action animated figures are indistinguishable from humans. They will just have an all digital Jobs up there in a few years presenting the products and you will never know.
Indeed maybe they already have. Jobs maybe is not ill but actually just an early version like Tom Hanks in Polar express.
Re:Really? (Score:3, Funny)
Re:Really? (Score:3, Funny)
Wow. I think you've seen one too many episodes of the X-Files.
Well scully did oust jobs for a time. And moulder is no where to be found. It's not a turtle neck, it's the black oil.
Re:Really? (Score:3, Funny)
And I thought it was a Spiderman/Venom joke. Clearly the turtleneck will seek out the man who hates Jobs most when he rejects it... Steve Ballmer.
Re:Really? (Score:4, Funny)
None of them look good in a black turtleneck.
That video engineer guy was sure trying, though. Pity about the Office Space obsession, though.
"I'm just gonna go ahead and..."
Re:Jobs leaving? (Score:4, Funny)
Head-in-a-jar; the iHead!
Re:Really? (Score:3, Funny)
That's what they want you to think.
Re:Scheduling and Sales. (Score:5, Funny)
Cripes, it's as bad as DEFCON being held in fuck-me-its-hot August, where the traditional attire is all black.
Indeed. DEFCON is well known for having attendees that love the outdoors and are unable to operate AC units.
Re:Really? (Score:5, Funny)
And I thought it was a Spiderman/Venom joke. Clearly the turtleneck will seek out the man who hates Jobs most when he rejects it... Steve Ballmer.
I just got an image Steve Ballmer, dressed head to toe in black, dual-wielding heavy executive chairs and laughing maniacally... [shudder]
Re:Missing Option (Score:3, Funny)
Sorry, Jobs himself killed all the Apple clones...
Re:I'd like to Apply for CEO of Apple (Score:3, Funny)
And you post your resume on Slashdot. Disqualified.
Mac Wheel (Score:2, Funny)
I'm just glad that Steve Job's introduced the Mac Wheel [theonion.com]before he left.
Jobs keynote technique (Score:4, Funny)
"... so at Apple, we thought, what's the next step? Where does data storage go from here? And our engineers told us: Atoms! We're going to build the data directly into the molecular structure!"
"And here's what they gave us."
(Holds up object. Crowd ooohs, awestruck.)
(A spotlight high behind Jobs shines on Job's upraised right hand, gleaming off the surface of what appears to be a shiny black disclike object, hypnotising the crowd.)
"As you can see, the new product has no straight lines, and no corners. And for data registration purposes, it has (Jobs suddenly tilts the object, back, allowing the spotlight to pick out a gleaming white spot at the disk's centre) ... a Hole!"
(crowd gasps)
"Notice how the Hole is at the EXACT centre of the disc. Not on the left. Not on the right. Our engineers told us that this placement was a critical feature for the playback process. So that's where we put it. Right in the middle."
(crowd cheers, until Jobs put up a hand signifying that he wants them to stop)
(hushed tones) "This is not just a nice looking object. This is a truly BEAUTIFUL object. You could hang this on your wall. Notice how the surface gleams. We could have made this out of cheap plastic ... but no. We decided to manufacture this out of the finest carbon-blacked Vinyl."
(crowd whoops)
"Now, wait until you see this brand-new user interface. We place the "disc" onto the "turntable", and the disc rotates AUTOMATICALLY. We place the arm anywhere on the disc. Anywhere at all!"
(music plays)
(Jobs lists the arm and puts it down somewhere else.)
(music plays)
(Jobs repeats, looking up at the audience and grinning each time)
"Now, isn't that just the Coolest thing you ever saw?"
(Audience applauds wildly)
"Now, how'll we be selling these. Well, we'll be packaging them in a special two-layer format that we call a "sleeve" ..."
Re:I'd like to Apply for CEO of Apple (Score:3, Funny)
So you're, what, 28 years old?